Is sex all you see, when you look at me?

So, it’s time to share something that I wrote that is very personal. It is very explicit and dark. It references to self-harm, which I struggled with for many years. But I find in these moments my writing is taken to a new level. A deeper level with many metaphors intwined to remind me that life isn’t always black or white.

Empty, hallow, and used.

I just need to feel that blade against my skin. That’s the secret hidden within. I see the blood drip from my skin and roll to the floor. SPLASH.

All I feel as it drips is a sense of peace within. The release of pain drips away and dissipates. I can’t live this way, I know…. But what is there to change for? I’m destruction looking to be loved, but I got cursed with this hole……. And that’s all that he sees.

Not someone to love, not a home, but a hole that’s incapable of love. A hole that brings down a happy home….

Let this pain bleed out of me. Let my spirit not awake, because I was foolish to think I was anything other than your mistake. Another heartbreak, but it’s not the same. These past years are gone and we are still in the same place.

How can you not see the secret that lies beneath my skin? Open me up, dissect me. See if everything is perfect deep within All the lies and destruction you suspect. I accept because my love you reject. My heart and soul you neglect and the same routine you expect. If I open up you will run…

To be loved is my greatest wish, a wish you didn’t want to accept. You never wanted that future, can I blame you? Hell, I want to kill this girl too.

As I read what I wrote, I don’t recognize this girl. It feels as if I am reading a strangers poetry. It doesn’t sound like me. But the truth is I’m a different person when I am in my emotions. (Not literally, I don’t have a split personality). I feel things strongly and I drown in my emotions. But I hear the hurt within the words and I see a girl who is desperate to be loved. But no matter how lost I get, I always find my way back home. I just got to be patient with my self through the storm.

36 thoughts on “Is sex all you see, when you look at me?

  1. I enjoy that you mentioned that’s not who you are anymore. I remember when I was younger I wrote a lot of poetry about my self harm and depression. I’m now a student, mom and wife. Life gets better

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel your emotion on this story. I got my depression and anxieties before but I”m prove to myself that everything happens for the reason you are so strong to share this post!

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  3. Such an emotional and strong post. We go through these ups and downs and try to figure out what it all means. Its so hard when you feel things so strongly and then you come out the other side and wonder who this person is.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so glad you are no longer that person anymore. Self-harm is a tactic many people use when they don’t know what to do with all the pain. Looks like you found other ways to process through the storms that were more healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reading your words almost seem like being transported 20 years ago when my youngest sister were uttering the same thing and going through something inexplicable in the world that only she could fathom. We didn’t find the right words to tell her but she did and she’s a social worker now trying to help people like her who go through something like this. May you find the courage to fight.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It takes a lot of courage to convey those feelings into words, life can be hard sometimes, it depends how hard it hits us and how long, but don’t give up, the people that care about you wouldn’t want you to give up, what ever happens you are a string individual and you can fight through it

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  7. Never give up and you are already being brave by sharing your story so don’t look back. You are strong and your positive attitude will help you to come out of this storm.

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  8. We all have down days, do not worry about being mistaken to have a split type of personality. Humans as we are, we all break down and cry. The most important point there is how well we cope with whatever situation we are faced at. Hope you will feel better in the days to come. Best regards.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Like you say we have to be patient. With ourselves and with each other. But as long as you know that every storm has a beginning and an end you will have hope.

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  10. Words written may not totally comfort us but sometimes reading them reminds us of our weaknesses and you are an epitome of a bravery because you always find your way home.

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  11. I am sure this was so difficult to write and also to share. Through this I hope you see the true strength you have.

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  12. I have been there and I can tell you that the journey was not easy. But I have come out victorious, so can you 😊…I am glad to know that are not in the same place anymore.

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