I remember it as if it was yesterday….
Stumbling into the emergency room with my dad by my side. My body was shutting down quickly and I could no longer keep my eyes open…..
Go to sleep I heard a voice tell me. Your pain will be over soon. Just close your eyes and let things unfold.
“Don’t fall asleep!” The nurses told me. “Stay awake, if you fall asleep we don’t know if you will wake up”. I nodded off and before I knew it a long clear tube was being shoved up my nose; (Which by the way does not tickle).
Pulling it out the nurses restrained me while saying “we have to flush your system, you have to let the tube down”. So with a nurse holding each arm and a doctor placing a tube down my throat, I started to throw up. The bile dripped under my gown and down my chest. Each time I threw up, the tube was being pushed deeper and deeper into my mouth. Finally, covered in throw up and a tube down my throat, I watched my stomach particles flow through the tube. All light colors… nothing dark came up, but something dark went down (tar).
The tubes turned black and the tar filled my stomach. By this time my dad had left because he was going to have surgery, so I was alone with my thoughts. Thoughts and questions that tormented my mind to the point I couldn’t sleep. “How did I get here?” “What comes next?” Why is no one here but my dad?” “Does no one care?” “Should I” “Should I tell my ex?” (Who sadly I was still infatuated with at the time and thought of one of my closes friends) LOL Boy……. was I wrong. I shouldn’t of had my phone in my hand. Why did I send that message? I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to read. “I dont care, I have too much going on in my life to deal with you. Leave me alone”. And that comment right confirmed what I already knew. The world was better without me, but unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.
Its been nine years and I still remember the words that I read on that screen. I texted very few people to let them know. No one came….. I was alone, scared, confused and my spirit was broken,
Crying and praying I drifted to sleep, secretly hoping not to wake up. But I did. I realized I may have been alone but I was given another chance…. (Which was not the plan!)
Did I want it? Another chance to hurt more? To be honest NOOOOO…. That was the last thing I wanted….. I wanted my life to end that day. That’s why I took the pills. I gave up and just wanted to be free. I wanted the chains and bondage holding me to be broken. I wanted to breathe again…
My life didn’t end that day, it began.
But the nightmare of being in the hospital wasn’t over… I was still alone and suddenly awakened by the tar and everything leaving my system. Throw up….. Diahria… Chills…I didn’t even make it to the bathroom. Can you say Disgusting? Please just make it stop, I whispered.
I wasn’t able to process my emotions, but I woke up with a rational head, and suddenly I was okay again. My chest didn’t hurt so bad anymore… and I had finally stopped shaking. I realized I reacted to my hurt. My body was able to feel the pain before my mind even realized what was happening. It was as if my head disconnected from my body and I lost all sensations and mobility… I was terrorized by fear and I didn’t even understand why. Again, my solution was to end the way I was feeling by quickly taking pills..
When I got cleaned up, I spoke to a psychiatrist to see if they were going to admit me, but I realized I didn’t want to die. (Reminder my emotional episode was over and I was calm again.) I was conscious and all I could talk about was God’s love and how beautiful life was to the psychiatrist in front of me. Weird right……
I didn’t take those pills to die, but to silence the pain I felt inside. The pain was so excruciating I couldn’t deal with it for another second. I was so desperate to make it stop that I didn’t even comprehend what it almost costed. I didn’t want to die… I wanted to be saved, saved from the pain. Free. Happy…
I just sat there and watched myself as if I was playing a scene in a movie. I became disconnected from my reality. So….. the question is
How did I go from overdosing to valuing life on the same day?
It was as if all my emotions were quiet and I could see clearly again. And that’s how Borderline Personality Disorder can affect someone. I realized that my disorder was the reason why I tried to commit suicide since the age of eleven.