Behind the facade

To even explain what is going on inside of me seems almost impossible. My thoughts are scattered, while my words are jumble. For 3 weeks, I have been stressed, but only within the last week I’ve seem to lose touch from reality. I guess 3 weeks of not being able to sleep or eat is finally catching up to me. (and no before you form a judgement it’s not by choice. At first I thought everything was okay, but the truth is I don’t know if I am or will be. After weeks of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I finally understand…. See we can try to lie to ourselves and pretend everything is okay, but the truth comes out in other areas. The lack of sleep is getting to me, even when I take my medication to sleep it still isn’t enough to give me rest. I lay down to sleep and as soon as I shut my eyes I am stuck in a nightmare. A nightmare that I am not able to wake up from. The sad part is that I am asleep but still conscious. I can hear myself whimpering and crying, but even when I tell myself to open my eyes I am stuck. Stuck in flashbacks, stuck in my dreams. I lay there shaking and crying, but I can’t stop it. I have no control over my body, and I begin to hallucinate. I feel a sense of fear, but the more I fight the quicker I sink and get lost in the dream. As for eating, I just thought I lost might appetite. I was eating once a day but my body wasn’t telling me I’m hungry. So, I just didn’t eat…. Not for the purpose of starving myself or to sabotage myself. I am simply not hungry and when I do eat…. Well it goes right through me…. I’ve been fighting small fevers and honestly I have no words to describe what else my body is going through…. All I Know is it is getting worse and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel as if I’m going crazy.\ My heart starts pounding and my emotions take over. Something just feels wrong, but I don’t know what it is. All I know is something isn’t okay. I literally am spending most of my time crying and feeling like I am going to faint. I go to work I cry, I drive I cry, I sleep I cry and I just can’t stop it. When people asking me, what is wrong all I can tell them is I don’t know. I don’t know what is going on with me, but I don’t like it. I have no energy to talk to people or even be around someone. The slightest of noise sends me in an anxiety attack to the point I hid under my bed with head phones on so I can’t hear any sound. I just want to yell and scream. I feel like being violent, but for no apparent reason. Last night, I walked to the kitchen and was so overwhelmed by the noise that my body was trembling. I couldn’t stop shaking and I just broke down crying. As my roommate held me, I whispered through my tears help me, I want it to stop. I want to feel okay. I’ve never felt this much fear inside me and today I finally realized why. In Thailand, I got bit by a monkey. I had to go to the hospital and visit the doctor multiple times to get shots. I came home and the next day I was getting my blood drawn and visiting the hospital. It’s been almost three weeks and I still haven’t get my results. I just want to know if I am okay and will live. I told very few people about what happened and how I am scared I will die from rabies. It seems people don’t take it serious, because I don’t know for sure. I’ve hardly had one moment of peace since I found out I could have rabies. It’s probably one of the scariest things I have been through because I don’t want to die. It’s not a choice I made like when I tried to commit suicide. I don’t can make this choice for myself. and that terrifies me. After weeks of my mental and physical health depleting I finally understand where my stress is coming from, but I have no one to talk too. The very few ppl I told between my family, friends, and roommates rather get caught up in an argument. I don’t understand how people don’t realize how real this is and how much it is affecting me. It’s killing me without even knowing if I have the disease. The stress and burden living with not knowing what it going to happen. It’s breaking and destroying me in every way. Memories lost to dissociation can be of moments or cover long time spans, and can be both good and bad. Here's one way to regain memories lost to dissociation. I don’t want to spend my time fighting over a parking spot, birthday dinner, or a misunderstanding in a text message. because the truth is if I do have this disease, none of that stuff is going to matter if I am lying in a hospital bed dying. What matters is feeling the love and support from my friends and family. What is going to matter is that I will be leaving the people I love and care about and I am not ready to leave. I know people may think I am acting like a victim, but the way this is affecting me is not a choice. I much rather feel okay and enjoy every moment until it’s my last. Because if this is meant to be there is no changing it, but I pray it’s not. I still have so much I want to do. I want a family, a son or daughter, a husband. I wasn’t to give my love to my child and watch them grow as an individual. I want to be someone’s wife, mother, and best friend. And to think I may not experience that devastates me because to me having connections with people is the most important thing. It’s the only thing that will allow me to leave this world in peace. Money and experience is great, but it doesn’t give you the same warmth as connections with others do. I want to impact people’s life in a positive way, so when my time comes I have people who are there for me to show me love and support. Instead of people who think I am a negative influence in their life, and need to change because I am the problem. I don’t want to leave people with those thoughts. I wasn’t people in my life that can trust me when they are going through a hard time, so I could be there for them. Otherwise, what is the point of having that friendship or relationship. And it saddens me because I know I am not that person. I know I have left people with a bitter taste in their mouth and I truly never wanted that. So, because of this I am choosing to disappear from the world and deal with this on my own. I deleted my social media and turned off my phone. I don’t know how long this will last, but as of now this is my goodbye to the world. Hopefully as I try to heal from this journey, I will become a stronger and better person, who is living everyday like my last.

12 thoughts on “Behind the facade

  1. I hope once you find out the results and will be praying for great results of no rabies then will you feel a little more at ease. Here for you even tho you may need your space . Distractions can be good at times and always live life likes it’s your last day !

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my. I’m so sorry. I hate the medical system for this reason. I hope you get these results soon so they can figure out a way to relieve your pain ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I pray for you!. I’m sorry you are not getting the support and love from your family and friends. but releasing your thoughts in your mind via the internet or blog is a good thing. At least you gave everything and tried everything

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Did you got yourself the rabies shot ?? There’s a vaccine. If not pls take it ASAP. Start today, you will have to go 2-3 times over a period of month to get the complete vaccine. A doctor should have told you by now. Just don’t stress and everything is going to be alright. Take Care

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Bad things and bad days happen, but you need to try to not assume the worst, it’s hard I know, I do hope your results get back to you and it appears that everything is okay, just don’t lose hope 😉 and the will to fight

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey, cheer up you need not worry medical science has improved and you won’t die for a Monkey bit. Eventually everything will fall into place and you will revive from your present state. All you need is patience. Have faith in God. All the best!!

    Liked by 1 person

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