As you grow older you start to realize life is like a roller coaster. There are ups, downs, and sudden shifts. Like a roller coaster, sometimes we go forward, while other times life takes us backwards. Maybe we missed a lesson, or never dealt with a pain full experience, or sometimes simply just loose our way and wanderer backwards for a bit. During our struggle, we learn to adapt to the ups, downs, and sudden shifts we go through. However, that doesn’t mean the struggle gets easier.
Everyone has different struggles, and sometimes we forget that. We expect people to deal and act in a similar fashion as ourself. We expect people to have a similar mindset, and try to force our perception on one another. I’ve been guilty of it, and I know many others who do the same thing. Instead of coming from a perception of love and understanding, we come with force.
I live with a mental illness called BPD (borderline personality disorder), and because of this my brain operates in a different way. But with societal stigma that is attached to mental illness it makes it hard for me to be open. I can be a social butterfly, but i also can be extremely introverted. Society uses mental illness as a scapegoat. The stigma attached to mental disorders tells people who have illnesses that they use their disorder as an excuse for poor behavior. When people can’t understand something logically, they sometimes blame the individual instead. I’ve dealt with the stigma and it feels like every step I had took to change and work on myself was erased, as if it never happened. All the helplessness I felt before, came rushing back and again i felt like a worthless burden.
Friends and family become frustrated and distance themselves from my cycle. It felt like nothing I tried worked or mattered to the people I cared for. i can’t blame people for not wanting to be around me, because truth is when I go through my episodes i want to hid from myself too. Sadly, it leaves me with no support system making things harder.
So, I’ve learned to withdraw and hide my reality from the people who surround me. I put on a mask that I try not to let people see through. When you spend so much time trying to mask who you really are, it gets exhausting. So, sometimes I go silent instead to keep myself from draining.
Sometimes I have nothing to say and just don’t want to interact until so i can revive my battery. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but that I need space to recharge.
Silence is how i protect myself, but also how I find myself again. I like the solitude and stillness that comes with silence. It’s peaceful and in those moments I am able to focus on myself. No drama, no forced interaction, no mask, just calmness.
Truthfully, when I am not feeling extreme emotions, I am unable to recognize how I feel. I am left questioning if I am feeling anything at all or if i am just numb. Its like I flat lined, and I am just neutral with nothing to say.
This simply doesn’t mean i am doing poorly or even bad. I am taking time to focus on my imperfect self, so I can continue to grow and become stronger with each and every struggle. Because thats what life is really about…… Bettering yourself and sharpening yourself to become the person your heart desires you to be..