I cried out to you, my friend, my lover, my soulmate, the one I trusted. I was falling apart and needed you. I told you the guilt inside of me was destroying me. I was thinking of ending my life and your response forever changed my heart. Your exact words were, “do what you have to do, life will go on with or without you”. I know it’s true but to hear that from the man I loved destroyed me. But you didn’t stop there, did you? Crying and in pain, I wrote “I just want to die. I’m so tired of the way I feel because of this….” I gave you another chance. A chance to stop me, to tell me not to or that I mean something to you. Begging in my mind please stop me, please love me….. Please, don’t let me do this…. STOP ME! I need a reason to not go through with it. But instead, you told me to stop texting you. “I’m saying I am thinking about killing myself and you are saying don’t text me”. “Goodbye,” you told me. With no emotion or thought. “Is this what you want me to do? I will do it”. I was hoping this time he would see how serious I was and how much pain I was in. I desperately wanted you to say no, but you didn’t, did you? You just replied stop.
So, I grabbed a bottle and locked myself in the bathroom. I took out the razor and pulled down my pants. I was drunk and dripping with blood. My mind didn’t go quiet and just kept reminding me this is what I deserve, I deserve to die. I deserve to die for hurting the people I love and care about. I deserve to die for being difficult and pushing you away. I deserve to die because you want me too.
I gave you another chance months later. You said you were sorry, but there was no change. As soon as I spoke to you again, I became that insecure desperate little girl I tried so hard to change. Your actions didn’t change. I was hoping I would love me and value me, but You didn’t. You still didn’t value or appreciate me. You didn’t try to make up for the hurt you caused, you just added more. You didn’t change, everything that didn’t revolve around you wasn’t important. I wasn’t important, just someone your wasting time with. You left my messages on read as I waited for hours for your response. You still ignored me and treated me like I was disposable. You still lied. I guess you didn’t care if your actions damaged me. I was desperate for your love and affection but u just kept starving me until death became the answer.
Do you know how it feels to feel like you’re not good enough? To feel like your trash and unworthy of love? Do you know how it feels to be used? Do you know how it feels when you look at someone with so much adoration and love and they let you down? Do you know how it feels when the person you love breaks your heart?
Because I do. I know what it’s like to fall out of love with someone because they continuously disappoint you. I know what it’s like to fall apart at night, wishing you would care and were there. I know what it’s like to get physically sick by the disappointment. I know what it’s like to have my heart broken from the one person you never expected. I also know what it’s like when my words weren’t enough to make you care. You thought my tears were manipulation. When in reality, it was my way of showing my heart’s brokenness. I felt hopeless, I tried everything to show you the pain, so you could change. Nothing worked, so I gave up and grabbed a blade. I used to cut as an expression for my pain. My body the canvas being painted with the blade. I wasn’t okay…
The truth is I didn’t want to die, but I felt so much guilt and shame. I felt so awful that the only way I thought would help was to end my life, so you could live in peace without me.
You made me believe everything was my fault and that I was the issue. But the truth is, after making an attempt and going into a crisis rehabilitation home, I realized the issue wasn’t me. You choose to live a double life filled with lies (with me and your coworkers); I didn’t force you, you told me you loved me countless times. I am only responsible for my own actions, not yours.
You taught me a valuable lesson that day. You taught me that you didn’t care if I lived or died, and sadly most people won’t. That is why it is important to love and put myself first. I put you first and I almost ended up in the grave. I thought you would care since you were my lover and best friend, but your actions proved otherwise. I kept looking at our past to give me a reason to stay. Yes, we once were in love and had so much passion, but it was gone (obviously). I should have let you go a long time ago, but I thought you were worth holding on too. I thought things would change, and I didn’t want to be alone.
Loneliness will keep you in places that you don’t want to be, much longer than you would like. I forgave you because of the loneliness I struggled with daily, but that day I was awakened and I didn’t see you the same. I was no longer worried about pleasing you or stressing because I felt like I was walking on eggshells. My life didn’t matter to you, and you made that clear, countless times. After that day, I let go of the memories I hung on to of the man I loved. I clung to these memories to remind me that it is possible for you to be amazing because of how great you once were. these memories allowed me to love you no matter how monstrous you became. However, that day showed me that amazing guy was already dead and wasn’t coming back. If he doesn’t care about the people he claims he loves or their life than he isn’t worth my time.
I grew so much stronger and more independent through that hardship. While you played the same games. I started to realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty about another person’s choices because it’s their life. They are the author of their own story, not me. I am just there to offer love and support.
I took time to myself and self-reflected for a couple of weeks, while in the crisis home. I didn’t socialize or go anywhere until I felt I had become reacquainted with myself. I had become so focused on pleasing him that I neglected my own needs and wants. His response to me wanting to end my life forced me to examine myself and my own levels of denial about my life. I started to invest in a relationship with myself and becoming the woman I desire to be.
This man tore me down and broke me until it almost killed me, but I realized that I am important and worth loving. Even if I fail or make mistakes, I still deserve to be loved and appreciated. I will mess up and occasionally hurt my friends and family, but that is life. I don’t have to punish myself or be punished by a man, for learning life’s lessons. My self-worth doesn’t lie in anybody else’s hands but mine. He doesn’t define me or who I will be, all he did was show me exactly who I don’t want to be. Every day I will keep trying to improve and better myself until I become the person I want to be and I won’t let anyone ever again get in the way. I won’t be the one who hates the person staring back at them in the mirror.
Even then, I will never forget that day. It will haunt me for eternity because part of my heart died from those words that were said.