Each day I am changing and growing as a person. I am learning each and every moment and the journey is anything, but easy. For this reason, I don't have an exact topic that my blog will focus on. Each blog post is going to be a story and adventure of its own, that's the point. To tell my story and share the way I perceive life. My life is not just about one topic, but it's about all the different hiccups, experiences and emotions that I have lived through. And if anyone knows me, they know my emotions take me on wild rides that I wish I wasn't always a part of. At least maybe I will get an interesting story out of it.
So welcome to my life!
As you grow older you start to realize life is like a roller coaster. There are ups, downs, and sudden shifts. Like a roller coaster, sometimes we go forward, while other times life takes us backwards. Maybe we missed a lesson, or never dealt with a pain full experience, or sometimes simply just loose our way and wanderer backwards for a bit. During our struggle, we learn to adapt to the ups, downs, and sudden shifts we go through. However, that doesn’t mean the struggle gets easier.
Everyone has different struggles, and sometimes we forget that. We expect people to deal and act in a similar fashion as ourself. We expect people to have a similar mindset, and try to force our perception on one another. I’ve been guilty of it, and I know many others who do the same thing. Instead of coming from a perception of love and understanding, we come with force.
I live with a mental illness called BPD (borderline personality disorder), and because of this my brain operates in a different way. But with societal stigma that is attached to mental illness it makes it hard for me to be open. I can be a social butterfly, but i also can be extremely introverted. Society uses mental illness as a scapegoat. The stigma attached to mental disorders tells people who have illnesses that they use their disorder as an excuse for poor behavior. When people can’t understand something logically, they sometimes blame the individual instead. I’ve dealt with the stigma and it feels like every step I had took to change and work on myself was erased, as if it never happened. All the helplessness I felt before, came rushing back and again i felt like a worthless burden.
Friends and family become frustrated and distance themselves from my cycle. It felt like nothing I tried worked or mattered to the people I cared for. i can’t blame people for not wanting to be around me, because truth is when I go through my episodes i want to hid from myself too. Sadly, it leaves me with no support system making things harder.
So, I’ve learned to withdraw and hide my reality from the people who surround me. I put on a mask that I try not to let people see through. When you spend so much time trying to mask who you really are, it gets exhausting. So, sometimes I go silent instead to keep myself from draining.
Sometimes I have nothing to say and just don’t want to interact until so i can revive my battery. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but that I need space to recharge.
Silence is how i protect myself, but also how I find myself again. I like the solitude and stillness that comes with silence. It’s peaceful and in those moments I am able to focus on myself. No drama, no forced interaction, no mask, just calmness.
Truthfully, when I am not feeling extreme emotions, I am unable to recognize how I feel. I am left questioning if I am feeling anything at all or if i am just numb. Its like I flat lined, and I am just neutral with nothing to say.
This simply doesn’t mean i am doing poorly or even bad. I am taking time to focus on my imperfect self, so I can continue to grow and become stronger with each and every struggle. Because thats what life is really about…… Bettering yourself and sharpening yourself to become the person your heart desires you to be..
I heard this quote that resonated with me, it stated “If you had a
friend who talked to you or about you the way you talk to yourself, would you
still be their friend”?
It’s been years since I heard this quote, but somehow I still remember it.
It makes me think, why are we so critical of ourselves? Why do we pick any
little thing about ourselves and use it to tear our self-down?
I know people in this world can be cruel to each other. Being a girl, I
faced people’s cruel worlds all my life. People commented on how thin my hair
is, how big my teeth are (I was told I had horse teeth), and how small my lips
are. I was also made fun of for my weight, I was called twiggy, stick,
anorexic, and flat ass/chest. Sadly, those are just the things people made fun
of me physically, but I also faced it for my personality. I am too sassy,
stubborn, outspoken, and annoying. I think you get the point. It poisoned
myself esteem and the way I viewed myself. I felt ugly because of what people
said… It made me feel disgusted with myself and if I wasn’t enough. I avoided
every mirror I passed for such a long time. I’ve had enough though, this isn’t
the life I want. I want to love and enjoy myself. Watch as I bloom overtime. I
still struggle with talking about myself in a positive way. Statements like
“I’m dumb, and idiot” come out of my mouth. I now put myself down
until tears run down my cheeks. But for what…? To please other people? I
needed to evaluate who was more important, other people’s opinions, or how I
view and speak about myself. The answer is simple; I need to choose self-love.
Who cares what other people say, self-love needs to come first!!!
There are quotes everywhere we turn reminding us that we are beautiful and
loved exactly for who we are. I know, self-esteem isn’t an easy thing to have,
it takes work. It’s okay to be gentle with ourselves, we don’t need to be the
same way of everyone else. Sometimes we base the way we view ourselves on how
people treat us or even worse on how society portrays beauty. But beauty and
being perfect are such vague terms, because those two words have a different
meaning to each person in this world. What we consider as our flaw (whether it
is being too skinny, overweight, dark, white, having fat thumbs, freckles)
someone else might love about us. So why can’t we love our self? We don’t need
to change who we are or how we look, we can be our definition of beautiful and
I think it’s hard to remember to be kind and love ourselves the same way we
would want our friends/family/ or spouse to love us. But the truth, is we
wouldn’t tolerate someone talking to us or about us in a negative way. They
wouldn’t be a friend or remain in our life. So, shouldn’t that tell us
something? If we wouldn’t tolerate that talk from anyone in our life, then we
shouldn’t tolerate it from our self either.
I finally realize,
I am beautiful.
I am enough.
I am worth loving and I am amazing just the way I am.
Because the truth is we are all those things and so much more.
There is a difference between being a dreamer to escape reality and being someone with a dream. In my previous post, I spoke how I used dreaming to escape my toxic relationship, but now I want write about my dream for my life.
I realize that my dream was never unattainable. It wasn’t out of reach, because everything I needed was in me the whole time. I was able to grab a hold of my dream and run with it. I may have not met my goal of being a career driven married woman with children (by 25), but that’s okay. Honestly, I’ve gain so much more and could step into a life I never imagined for myself. My life has taken so many unexpected turns and every day brings a new adventure. I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I can buy the plane ticket and leave 3 weeks later to Costa Rica or Thailand. I can decide in 30 minutes leaving and driving spontaneously to the Grand Canyon (which I ended up in Utah instead) or Washington. I can silence everything and leave. Though I do need to work on planning, so I don’t arrive in a new country at 11pm without a clue on where I am going to stay (It’s okay, I bought a plane ticket to leave that morning to a different city).
When I’m looking out the window of a plane or driving through the scenery of the states, I can’t help but ponder the beauty that surrounds me. In those moments, I’m exploring the lands that are unknown to me I feel so alive. There is so much beauty in the world from the architect in Europe, to the culture in China, the tropical rainforest in Costa Rica, and crystal clear beaches of Thailand. If I never set my fears and worries aside I would never have got to see different parts of the world. I’ve learned not to be afraid and live in the moment. If I want to go somewhere I go, and if I want to do something I do it. I don’t let anything hold me back (not even money), I find a way to make it happen. I do it cheaply, I don’t stay at the nicest places or go out to fancy restaurants and splurge. I stretch my money so
I can do and see everything I want to without worry. Some people call me reckless and others say I am impulsive, but I like to think I am a free spirit wandering around the world. And it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks or say, because it is my passion and I am happy when I am doing it.
I want more in life than just living for a paycheck or routine. I want spontaneity and passion. I like to live as if I have nothing holding me back and no limits. But I do it responsibly and smart (well sometimes).
I’ve embarked on a journey of finding and loving myself through travel, love, and the hardships I’ve endured. Every broken piece in my life seemed to fit together so perfectly that it built a master piece (the master piece of my life) and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Dreams aren’t meant to be contained, they are there for us so we can live them.
It’s been awhile since I have written……
I don’t know what happened, I guess I got lost in daily life.
The older I get the more I realize that life takes unexpected turns and
never turns out how you planned.
As a little girl, I pictured a life for myself that I so badly wanted. It
included being married, having children, and a career before 25. I guess you
can say that I was chasing the American dream (the house with the white picket
I’ve always been a dreamer. Dreaming of the life I wish I had and wanted.
Dreaming how the future would unravel so perfectly. Dreaming of love in the
toxic relationship I was in. I spent more time dreaming than living in reality.
Honestly, how could I not? I could live my dream life and avoid reality daily.
But there comes a day where you are forced to wake up and deal with the hand
life has given you. Which, isn’t a bad thing because it allows you to fight for
the life you have always dreamed over.
Well, Life had a different path for me. Instead, I settled for being a man’s
side girl and putting his needs before mine. I didn’t graduate from a
university until I was 27, and well, I still have no children or Idea what I
want to do for a career. I’m still finding my way. Life taught me the only
thing greater than your dreams, is the love you have for yourself. It’s not
about what you accomplish or the life your living, but about loving yourself.
And guess what, Life will force you to love yourself. It will constantly
throw you in situations that will feel unsatisfying and empty, until you learn
to choose yourself.
It took me pretty much my whole life to figure this out. I’ve been in so
many painful situations that I never imagined I would be. in Sadly, most of
them had to do with guys… Let’s take a step back to my first love. and the
secrets I held.
My first lesson I was supposed to learn was by my first relationship. When I
first met this guy, I was already broken. I was dressing in a lot of black and
cutting myself regularly. At that time, I had extremely low self-esteem. I saw
myself as a screw up who was a burdened to everyone in my life. For this
reason, I felt an extreme amount of guilt and shame. I believed I deserved to
be punished for being difficult, so that’s what I did, punished myself by the
blade. It seemed to give me a sense of relief and peace. Obviously, now, I
probably shouldn’t have pursued a relationship because I only wanted one for
all the wrong reasons. I wanted someone to love me, so I could feel okay with
I met this guy that I lived by. He liked me so much and made me feel
amazing. We quickly, became best friends and were always with each other. I
told him everything about myself, and he still liked me. For the first time, I
felt loved and accepted. I quickly got hooked on the feeling of being loved,
unfortunately, that isn’t a good enough reason to get into a relationship. I
was too young to understand that. We started dating, and things between us
rapidly changed. Even though he was two years younger than me, I began to put
him on a petal-stool, and worship him. He made me feel like I was worthy of
love and I was willing to do anything to keep that feeling. (I think he knew that)
Things quickly changed and became toxic…….
But before I tell you this story, just remember I was young and desperate
for love. I’ve held on to this secret for years. because I was too embarrassed
to share the truth….
He started showing less and less interest in me and started messing around
with other girls and lying to me. He lied to me until I doubted the world I
lived in. I look back and am so angry with how gullible I was. I believed every
lie he told me like that he had magical powers and I was from planet zero
(which turns out is from the fantastic four). He would switch back and forth
between personalities, there was #1, #2, #3, Jason, bubbles, and my “real
dad” (not a red flag at all, right?). Of course, being as naive as I was,
my dumbass believed everything and ignored all the signs telling me to run.
There might as well been a sign above his head that said run, B**** run, but
let’s be honest I probably would have still fell for his lies.
So, let me just tell you about all the different personalities I experienced
while dating him….
I may have the numbers messed up for each personality, because it was over
ten years ago. So, Eddie #1 (not his real name) was the older more mature one.
There were generally no problems with this personality. Now Eddie #2 was the
problematic personality… He was the evil one who wanted to make me miserable
“apparently”. We would be kissing and number two would take over and
push me off while saying, “get the f…. off me. What the hell are you
doing”? When I tried to reply, he would quickly cut me off and say
“your F….. disgusting and break up with me”. This would happen
religiously…. Then number three (apparently, the real Eddie) would take over
and act like nothing happened. Just tell me how much he loves me. The other
three were different people and all had different personalities (doesn’t sound
crazy at all, right).
So, you could imagine the roller coaster ride I was going through. The
switches of personalities would happen within seconds, minutes, hours, all in
the same day. It’s okay if you are thinking How could you believe such a crazy
thing? I understand…. The situation was crazy and instead of running from the
madness, I ran right to the source of insanity. And guess what? That’s not even
the worse part of our relationship (It’s only the beginning).
One day we were at a park, and he told me he could hear one of the eddies
screaming. The real one, “I will snap his neck if you won’t have sex with
me” he said as he was screaming. I slapped him and he took off running….
I chased him crying and the next thing I knew we were in the boy’s bathroom. I
was on my knees and his penis was out. He forced my head towards it and said
“he would kill himself if I didn’t do it”. So, I did as I was crying,
gagging, and choking. He got turned off and pushed me away. Telling me the only
way was to have sex with him, since I was so disgusting because I almost threw
up. I cried harder and fell to my knees. I begged him saying please I’ve never
had sex…. I begged and pleaded. Finally, he took me to the tennis court and
started kissing me. “Take out your tampon” He said. I listened
because I didn’t want him to hurt himself. While he was touching me, I felt
like I was his puppet controlled and violated. He left me on the ground of the
park still crying. A couple minutes goes by and he comes back “get the
f… up, stop crying and come with me”. I stood up wiping my tears and
walked home with him. Sounds fake, right? but it was my life at the time (not a
story that is fiction).
Well, I lost apart of myself that day (no surprise there). Something changed
in me where instead of dreaming I dissociated. Every memory after that is vague….
I remember bits and pieces, and some memories were wiped away permanently. I
just remember after that things got worse. I didn’t know the difference between
real life or my dissociations. He won complete control over me. If he told me
to sit (I would), or stop talking to this person (I would). I forgave him and
locked this memory deep in my mind. I didn’t tell anyone to months later.
When he broke up with me because I would ruin his reputation. I told one of
my bff and she didn’t believe me and probably thought I was a lunatic (which I
guess was true). She said that he did that to you, but never did anything wrong
to me. After we broke up I was heartbroken. I didn’t know how to make decisions
for myself anymore. He placed himself in the middle of my friends, replacing
me. Everywhere I turned, there he was. At school, with my friends, and in the apartments,
I lived. I couldn’t get away from him, nor did I want to (he had me hooked). I
was addicted to the love and the affection he first showed me. I wanted to feel
his love again…. Why the hell would you want that, you may wonder. When
things were good between us, it felt like a movie. I was being spoiled and
adored daily (he never did let a day go by without telling me how much he loved
me). However, when things were bad it was ugly. (I guess like a movie you should
have conflict to make it interesting. Our relationship was definitely different
and interesting). The high, I got from the good overpowered the bad. I mean I
was engaged to this guy…. I planned my life with him, I would go to a two-year
school and wait for him to graduate, so we can apply to a four-year school,
move in together, and start having children. Thank goodness that didn’t happen,
I would be crazier then I already am!!!!
Back to the story, he showed less and less interest in me, so I fought
harder for his love. The harder I fought, the more I pushed him away. He would
date and come back to me telling me “I love you, I miss you, I will break
up with them for you”. I don’t know how many times I fell for this lie,
countless times. Soon, he stopped kissing me (he only kissed people when he had
feelings for them) when we had sex and each time I had a flash back to that
day. He would leave me in tears and tell him to leave him alone for good. That
he didn’t want to be my friend….
I felt I was built up to be ripped apart, shredded, degraded, and the worst
part is I allowed it. Weekly, I would beg him to be my friend and forgive me.
“I still love you, and I’m sorry. Please forgive me… I miss you and want
my friend back”. Where we would be intimate and he would leave like
before. I would shred the blankets from my bed tossing them in the wash. Then
showering scrubbing each inch of my body until it was sore, trying to wipe away
the feeling of him being on me. I never could, those nights I didn’t sleep much….
I would just replay it over in my mind. Screaming inside my head, why am I not
good enough? Why doesn’t he love me? I completely opened myself to him. He knew
everything about me, to this day not a soul knows my past like him.
I was cutting thirteen to twenty-three times a day. I kept all this secret
and finally came clean to my parents that I was cutting. I called them the
first time I used a razor. The blade was so sharp, and just a bit of pressure
cut deeply through my skin. I saw my skin split and the skin under my surface
skin. My parents rushed home quickly. Wearing a blue sweater my step mom saw
the blood dripping from my arm to the floor. She said nothing and just cleaned
I soon learned I had a mental illness, (Surprise it’s BPD). I went to
therapy and was put on medications. Yet, I became worse and so did my cutting.
I left school, went to his parents’ house crying saying I had a miscarriage….
Hoping he would come back and be mine again. I just wanted to feel whole one
I was sent away to a mental institute, where I only agreed to be admitted if
I could call Eddie and let him know. (Apparently, He went around looking for me
at school, questioning my friends). and a school for troubled children in Utah.
I was discharged six months, but soon as I saw him I fell back to cutting and
being with him. This went on for four years after we broke up, begging him to
be my friend, having sex, and being told to leave him alone….
I never stopped loving him until I met Jr. But that’s a story for another
time…. I reached out to Eddie a couple months ago to apologize again, in
hopes he would forgive me. (SO I can forgive myself). I know I hurt him, but I
shouldn’t be begging for his friendship and approval. You would think I would
never want to see or talk to him again, but my heart is still soft towards him
and his shut me out. (Funny, how he flipped things around). Made me feel like
everything was my fault and that I didn’t deserve the love of a man.
Unfortunately, I still care, and he hates me. The guy who abused and gas
lighted me, hates me…. I never got a sincere apology and he never attempted
to repair the damage and scars he left me with. I lost some of my closest
friends, but most importantly, I lost my sanity and mind.
Too many times, women settle for a toad, a scrub, or nowadays known as a
f*** boy. I’ve seen several of my friends go through similar issues (maybe not
the magical powers or split personality part), but being devalued, used, and
taken advantage by the man they love. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls
struggle to leave there one sided (or abusive) relationship. I believe we all
go through it, at one point (being kicked when you are already down), and that’s
what strengthens us, teaching us how to love ourselves. Some women learn right
away; while others must experience it multiple times before learning to value
Unfortunately, healing is an ongoing process. It takes time to become that
strong, empowered woman who loves herself unconditionally. While my ex, now has
his own family now, (a beautiful wife and daughter) and has completely moved
on. This terror is continuous for me and not something I can just forget. It’s
a permanent scar that is working on healing. I’m okay with that though, because
through the madness, I allowed myself to learn and grow as a person.
This post wasn’t made with malicious intent. I wrote it because it’s part of
my story and journey that I want to share with others. It put me in some of my
darkest moments, but strengthened me. It sharpened the warrior within me. I
don’t regret our relationship, but I regret not putting “Me” first
and allowing a man and my fears to control me.
There is no longer bitterness or hurt in my heart towards him. I wish him a
life filled of happiness, and I hope he learned by our relationship (fingers
crossed). I hope he learns compassion, empathy, and how to love someone
unconditionally. I hope he takes responsibility for his actions and uses it to
be a better man. I finally understand, I wasn’t the problem and I shouldn’t
blame myself for the hatred in his heart towards me. I didn’t deserve to be
treated that way And I understand I was a victim of his lies and manipulation.
Lastly, I hope he learned how to forgive himself and the people who have hurt him
(so he can live free of baggage).
I believe this was the first lesson life tried to teach me about loving
myself. I wasn’t supposed to keep picking him… I was supposed to pick myself.
Stand up for myself and not allow someone to define my self-worth. Unfortunately,
I had to go through another toxic relationship for seven years to learn this
To even explain what is going on inside of me seems almost impossible. My
thoughts are scattered, while my words are jumble. For 3 weeks, I have been
stressed, but only within the last week I’ve seem to lose touch from reality.
I guess 3 weeks of not being able to sleep or eat is finally catching up to
me. (and no before you form a judgement it’s not by choice. At first I thought
everything was okay, but the truth is I don’t know if I am or will be. After
weeks of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I finally understand….
See we can try to lie to ourselves and pretend everything is okay, but the
truth comes out in other areas.
The lack of sleep is getting to me, even when I take my medication to sleep
it still isn’t enough to give me rest. I lay down to sleep and as soon as I
shut my eyes I am stuck in a nightmare. A nightmare that I am not able to wake
up from. The sad part is that I am asleep but still conscious. I can hear
myself whimpering and crying, but even when I tell myself to open my eyes I am
stuck. Stuck in flashbacks, stuck in my dreams. I lay there shaking and crying,
but I can’t stop it. I have no control over my body, and I begin to hallucinate.
I feel a sense of fear, but the more I fight the quicker I sink and get lost in
As for eating, I just thought I lost might appetite. I was eating once a day
but my body wasn’t telling me I’m hungry. So, I just didn’t eat…. Not for the
purpose of starving myself or to sabotage myself. I am simply not hungry
and when I do eat…. Well it goes right through me…. I’ve been fighting
small fevers and honestly I have no words to describe what else my body is
All I Know is it is getting worse and I don’t know what to do about it. I
feel as if I’m going crazy.\
My heart starts pounding and my emotions take over. Something just feels
wrong, but I don’t know what it is. All I know is something isn’t okay. I
literally am spending most of my time crying and feeling like I am going to
faint. I go to work I cry, I drive I cry, I sleep I cry and I just can’t stop
it. When people asking me, what is wrong all I can tell them is I don’t know. I
don’t know what is going on with me, but I don’t like it.
I have no energy to talk to people or even be around someone. The slightest
of noise sends me in an anxiety attack to the point I hid under my bed with
head phones on so I can’t hear any sound. I just want to yell and scream. I
feel like being violent, but for no apparent reason.
Last night, I walked to the kitchen and was so overwhelmed by the noise that
my body was trembling. I couldn’t stop shaking and I just broke down crying. As
my roommate held me, I whispered through my tears help me, I want it to stop. I
want to feel okay. I’ve never felt this much fear inside me and today I finally
In Thailand, I got bit by a monkey. I had to go to the hospital and visit
the doctor multiple times to get shots. I came home and the next day I was
getting my blood drawn and visiting the hospital.
It’s been almost three weeks and I still haven’t get my results. I just want
to know if I am okay and will live. I told very few people about what happened
and how I am scared I will die from rabies. It seems people don’t take it
serious, because I don’t know for sure.
I’ve hardly had one moment of peace since I found out I could have rabies.
It’s probably one of the scariest things I have been through because I don’t
want to die. It’s not a choice I made like when I tried to commit suicide. I
don’t can make this choice for myself. and that terrifies me.
After weeks of my mental and physical health depleting I finally understand
where my stress is coming from, but I have no one to talk too. The very few ppl
I told between my family, friends, and roommates rather get caught up in an
argument. I don’t understand how people don’t realize how real this is and how
much it is affecting me. It’s killing me without even knowing if I have the
disease. The stress and burden living with not knowing what it going to happen.
It’s breaking and destroying me in every way.
I don’t want to spend my time fighting over a parking spot, birthday dinner,
or a misunderstanding in a text message. because the truth is if I do have this
disease, none of that stuff is going to matter if I am lying in a hospital bed
dying. What matters is feeling the love and support from my friends and family.
What is going to matter is that I will be leaving the people I love and care
about and I am not ready to leave.
I know people may think I am acting like a victim, but the way this is affecting
me is not a choice. I much rather feel okay and enjoy every moment until it’s
my last. Because if this is meant to be there is no changing it, but I pray it’s
I still have so much I want to do. I want a family, a son or daughter, a
husband. I wasn’t to give my love to my child and watch them grow as an
individual. I want to be someone’s wife, mother, and best friend. And to think
I may not experience that devastates me because to me having connections with
people is the most important thing. It’s the only thing that will allow me to
leave this world in peace. Money and experience is great, but it doesn’t give
you the same warmth as connections with others do.
I want to impact people’s life in a positive way, so when my time comes I
have people who are there for me to show me love and support. Instead of people
who think I am a negative influence in their life, and need to change because I
am the problem.
I don’t want to leave people with those thoughts. I wasn’t people in my life
that can trust me when they are going through a hard time, so I could be there
for them. Otherwise, what is the point of having that friendship or
And it saddens me because I know I am not that person. I know I have left
people with a bitter taste in their mouth and I truly never wanted that. So,
because of this I am choosing to disappear from the world and deal with this on
I deleted my social media and turned off my phone. I don’t know how long
this will last, but as of now this is my goodbye to the world.
Hopefully as I try to heal from this journey, I will become a stronger and
better person, who is living everyday like my last.
I feel this weight upon my chest and an anchor chaining me to my bed. I’m fighting to get up. I’m kicking, screaming, tossing and turning. Yet the chain tightens and pulls me back to my bed. I can’t breathe, it’s too tight. My soul is drifting away…
I’m losing the battle, it’s too strong to overcome. The darkness has taken over my soul. The fog rolls in blinding my vision. I can’t see…
I place one foot on the ground then the other, unable to see I stumble into the kitchen. I’m shivering, but I know I need to eat. So, I grab food and crawl back to bed. I’m simply already exhausted from the walk… I wrap myself in layers of blankets hoping to feel the warmth. But the cold is coming from within… Laying there lifeless I stare out into the fog and listen to the cries of my stomach. The cries get louder and stronger, but I’m too weak to eat. Feed me, it cries, i’m hungry. Don’t punish me for your pain.
Soon a burning sensation feels my gut, it hurts. I try to reach for my food, but nothing moves. The world starts to spin and I feel sick. Finally, I force myself to eat, while trying to hold down the acid coming up.
Tears fill my eyes, because in reality I know it’s not that hard. To get up, to eat, yet I am chained down to my bed. Laying there staring into the fog (which turns out to be a wall, but all I see is fog). Hours go by and I’m still staring into the fog. Not feeling or hearing anything around me.
Where have I gone? I think I am lost. See, don’t you understand that this is not a choice? It’s not pretend, it is a trap. It’s my mind holding me hostage. Can’t you see I want to change? Can’t you hear my weeping?
I know you don’t understand, but please don’t leave me during this time. It’s not me, its my disorder. I’m not crazy, my fear is so intense it takes hold of me and I don’t know how to regain control. Please just stay with me until I feel better. Don’t give me a reason to stay locked away. Show me what it’s like to hope. Pour your love upon me, because I can’t feel love. I’m scared and my fear consumes me. I am scared of being abandon. I’m scared of being unloveable, but even when people surround me I can’t feel their love for me. I want to feel loved more than anything, sadly I can’t feel my only dream. I can’t understand how someone could love me and I don’t see why someone would stay as a friend to me. I don’t feel connected to anyone… As much as I want to feel that bond with another person. It’s just not there… It’s like a big whole living inside my heart.
I am fine one minute but as stressful situations happen, my emotions go chaotic, my knees become weak, I can’t breathe. I begin to shake and emotionally I react. I’ll cry, shout, and turn into someone completely different. It’s as if my mind turns off and I turn into my six-year-old scared self. I will yell, scream, cry, and do irrational things, such as calling someone 50 times. My body and emotions react, even before I have a chance to process things. And the worst part logically I am still conscious. I will question myself asking what is going on this isn’t that big of a deal. Or tell myself to stop, but it’s like something takes over that I can’t turn off. My emotions take over and I can’t control myself any longer. The hardest part is that my greatest fear of being left happens often because of my disorder. I’ve been told that my disorder causes me to be a difficult person and it makes it hard for people to love or be around me. My energy is either way too high or low. There is no middle for me, and I don’t know how to change that. I’ve been told that my emotions make me unlikable and unbearable.
I fight for people to stay in my life, but most of the time they can’t see past my emotions/disorder. It happens so much sometimes it’s hard not to view myself in the same way. It’s hard not to want to punish myself for being a burden to other people.
How am I suppose to explain this to you, when I barely understand it myself? How do I control something when I lose all control?
Please hold me tight and don’t let me go. I know it doesn’t make sense, but i’m not myself in those moments. I am my fear and my inner child is lost and terrified. She needs a home to run too. Somewhere to feel safe and loved. I don’t want to lose this battle. I don’t want depression to send me to the grave, but I feel so unsafe when I’m not on my bed.
These are some of the things I deal with because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD impacts the way you think and feel about yourself, resulting in problems functioning in everyday life.
I often feel empty and lonely that causes me to cling to people close to me. Some days I feel hopeless, while other days my hope is restored. My emotions can shift suddenly, and I experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety. I’m constantly afraid that the people I love will leave me. So, I tend to lash out when I feel insecure and paranoid in my relationships so they don’t abandon me. I also question their motives and if they really like me, because I can’t believe that someone sees me more than a mistake. I often feel unwanted and unworthy. This has caused me to have unstable relationships and be labeled as difficult to love.
My sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes I feel okay about myself and even start to like who I am becoming, while other times I disgust myself and I can’t even stand to look in the mirror. I start seeing myself as worthless, a burden, who is unlovable. That’s when I grab my razor blade or take pills because my emotions are so extreme that I can’t breathe.
I have a hard time remembering things. I can’t remember 90 percent of my childhood, and the stuff I do remember it doesn’t even feel real anymore. Sometimes I forget weeks and weeks in my life. I can have the same conversation over and over again without remembering because I dissociate so much to cope with my pain.
80 percent of individuals who suffer from bpd have self- harmed and attempted suicide, 10 percent of those diagnosed with bpd commit suicide. “People who have BPD are more likely to commit suicide than individuals with any other psychiatric disorders. Around 10 percent of people with BPD complete suicide, which is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population” (https://www.verywellmind.com/suicidality-in-borderline-personality-disorder-425485). Therapist hate treating bpd because there is no easy cure. It’s a lifetime process and it’s one of the most difficult disorders to treat.
I hate admitting that I suffer from Borderline Personality disorder, but it’s a huge part of my life. It affects me almost daily and sometimes feels like it controls me. Bpd follows has caused me to suffer from other mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and ptsd.
I often wonder if I will find someone who can love me. I also question if I will ever be able to have stable relationships or emotions. I don’t want to feel these things anymore and I am learning how to cope in healthy ways.
Sometimes my disorder takes over, but I will always find my way back. Each and every day I have the opportunity to conquer my triggers and my disorder. I may fail or have setbacks, but I am still living and so far I am not part of the statistics. Sometimes my bpd feels like a death sentence that ruins my life. But it’s not, it’s a journey. I get to experience every high and very low and watch how my life unfolds.
I am still me!!!
I still get excited about seeing a bunny or watching the trees change colors. I still love hard, passionate, and will fight for what I believe in. I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone, I work two jobs, graduated from college with a bachelors degree (and am looking into getting my masters), and traveled to 13 countries. I have made it this long and accomplished my goals and dreams. And I will continue fighting for the life I want and deserve!
The reason I wrote this blog post was so people can understand what it’s like living with bpd. People get to see the parts that are visible, but they don’t know what really goes on in your heart and head when you are experiencing an episode. They don’t know how bad it can be for the person actually living with the disorder. So, I want people to see through my eyes and feel and experience the words I am writing.
So some people who have read my blog have pointed out that what I am sharing may be too personal or negative. I don’t share my blog to discourage my readers or to gain empathy from people.
It’s not to get attention and to be honest, I could care less about that. So if you are thinking that as you read my posts then you are missing the point. I want you to allow yourself to feel every high and every low. I want you to become more in tune with your emotions and the emotions of others. I want you to imagine every detail I described as if it was yourself or a loved one experiencing the pain. It can be your sister, brother, mom, dad, daughter, son, significant other, or close friends who are dealing with these issues. If it was someone you love dealing with clinical depression, suicide, anxiety or a mental disorder, What would you do?
What about if you yourself was dealing with it? What do you think you would need?
Would you want people to brush it off and not acknowledge that part of you? Or would you want the support from the people in your life?
I want you to view life from a different set of eyes. A perspective that you are not used to and might make you uncomfortable. The eyes of someone who is suffering mental because of a disorder or a traumatic experience.
Why do I want this?
Because looking from someone else’s perspective can help you learn and grow as a person. But it can also really help the people suffering from these issues. Because you are no longer expecting them to be different, but you are able to love them as they are. You are not only able to love their good side, but their bad and messy side also.
I share my story with the hope that it helps you not only develop a better understanding of what it’s like living with a mental illness but also help you have a greater appreciation for your personal journey. (we all have a different story to tell).
Lastly, I want my blog to demonstrate my strength and encourage my readers to persevere through every storm life may throw at you.
Whether it’s someone you know or you yourself who suffer from a mental illness, I believe that my blog has something to offer each and every person. No matter what type of audience I attract. You just have to be open.
So, hopefully, as you take this journey with me, you can see how my life has transformed by every battle I have overcome and be encouraged.
Stumbling into the emergency room with my dad by my side. My body was shutting down quickly and I could no longer keep my eyes open…..
Go to sleep I heard a voice tell me. Your pain will be over soon. Just close your eyes and let things unfold.
“Don’t fall asleep!” The nurses told me. “Stay awake, if you fall asleep we don’t know if you will wake up”. I nodded off and before I knew it a long clear tube was being shoved up my nose; (Which by the way does not tickle).
Pulling it out the nurses restrained me while saying “we have to flush your system, you have to let the tube down”. So with a nurse holding each arm and a doctor placing a tube down my throat, I started to throw up. The bile dripped under my gown and down my chest. Each time I threw up, the tube was being pushed deeper and deeper into my mouth. Finally, covered in throw up and a tube down my throat, I watched my stomach particles flow through the tube. All light colors… nothing dark came up, but something dark went down (tar).
The tubes turned black and the tar filled my stomach. By this time my dad had left because he was going to have surgery, so I was alone with my thoughts. Thoughts and questions that tormented my mind to the point I couldn’t sleep. “How did I get here?” “What comes next?” Why is no one here but my dad?” “Does no one care?” “Should I” “Should I tell my ex?” (Who sadly I was still infatuated with at the time and thought of one of my closes friends) LOL Boy……. was I wrong. I shouldn’t of had my phone in my hand. Why did I send that message? I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to read. “I dont care, I have too much going on in my life to deal with you. Leave me alone”. And that comment right confirmed what I already knew. The world was better without me, but unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.
Its been nine years and I still remember the words that I read on that screen. I texted very few people to let them know. No one came….. I was alone, scared, confused and my spirit was broken,
Crying and praying I drifted to sleep, secretly hoping not to wake up. But I did. I realized I may have been alone but I was given another chance…. (Which was not the plan!)
Did I want it? Another chance to hurt more? To be honest NOOOOO…. That was the last thing I wanted….. I wanted my life to end that day. That’s why I took the pills. I gave up and just wanted to be free. I wanted the chains and bondage holding me to be broken. I wanted to breathe again…
My life didn’t end that day, it began.
But the nightmare of being in the hospital wasn’t over… I was still alone and suddenly awakened by the tar and everything leaving my system. Throw up….. Diahria… Chills…I didn’t even make it to the bathroom. Can you say Disgusting? Please just make it stop, I whispered.
I wasn’t able to process my emotions, but I woke up with a rational head, and suddenly I was okay again. My chest didn’t hurt so bad anymore… and I had finally stopped shaking. I realized I reacted to my hurt. My body was able to feel the pain before my mind even realized what was happening. It was as if my head disconnected from my body and I lost all sensations and mobility… I was terrorized by fear and I didn’t even understand why. Again, my solution was to end the way I was feeling by quickly taking pills..
When I got cleaned up, I spoke to a psychiatrist to see if they were going to admit me, but I realized I didn’t want to die. (Reminder my emotional episode was over and I was calm again.) I was conscious and all I could talk about was God’s love and how beautiful life was to the psychiatrist in front of me. Weird right……
I didn’t take those pills to die, but to silence the pain I felt inside. The pain was so excruciating I couldn’t deal with it for another second. I was so desperate to make it stop that I didn’t even comprehend what it almost costed. I didn’t want to die… I wanted to be saved, saved from the pain. Free. Happy…
I just sat there and watched myself as if I was playing a scene in a movie. I became disconnected from my reality. So….. the question is
How did I go from overdosing to valuing life on the same day?
It was as if all my emotions were quiet and I could see clearly again. And that’s how Borderline Personality Disorder can affect someone. I realized that my disorder was the reason why I tried to commit suicide since the age of eleven.
“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are…. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love it.” -Marianne Williamson
Have you ever been there during someone’s darkest moments? What was it like? Did you stay by their side or did you leave while they were lost in their pain?
I know it’s hard to deal with someone during their darkest moment. Sometimes it’s easier to walk out of their life. You find yourself making excuses of why you shouldn’t remain in their life. We all have done it, at one point in our lives. We all have chosen to focus on the bad memories instead of the good ones.
Why not remember the good times? At one time you guys smiled and laughed together. Crazy memories were made, and they weren’t all bad. One time it was exactly what you wanted…
Now focus on that memory. Focus on the friendship you once had, before everything turned dark. It’s there, you just have to learn to focus on the good times. It’s all about perspective.
Life will throw you curve balls. There will be times in your life where you forget who you are. Things will happen that will ultimately change your inner self. The innocence you once had may disappear, and the light within you may burn out. It is your choice to pick yourself up and start over again.
I have had hardships, betrayals, made mistakes and experience loss. But through it all, I am grateful for my experiences. Learning to forgive, love, and most importantly accepting myself. I’m no longer constantly worried about how people view me, but I’m worried about how I view myself and becoming a better person. Who walks in love and forgiveness.
Sometimes we bleed on ppl who didn’t cut us because we haven’t healed from what hurt us. We blame others for our hurts. When in reality the choices we made were what caused our hurts. And sometimes by the time we see this, it’s already too late. We lost them forever. And nothing you do will ever change their mind. They define you by your darkest moment, and will never see otherwise. Again, it’s all about perspective….
No one forced me to act a certain way. It was no one’s fault, but my own. Knowing this fills me with so much hope. Yes, I lost people in my life that meant the world to me. But I realized that I don’t have to define myself through someone else’s eyes. I have the choice to not suffer. I can heal, allowing myself to mess up and feel pain with no judgment.
Perspective is key……
If I can forgive someone else for hurting me, Why can I not forgive myself? Or vise versa… If I can forgive myself for all the dumb mistakes I have made and for hurting the people I love. Then shouldn’t I be merciful and extend forgiveness to those who have hurt me? Shouldn’t I walk in compassion and understand that we all deserve to be loved in our dark moments. We all deserve to be remembered as our true self and not just who we are when we are hurting. We all hurt and we all have insecurities. We all make mistakes, so why not just forgive instead of holding resentment for each other in our hearts?
Again it is all about your perspective….
Even though I have scars from the past, I am thankful for the lessons I learned. Because every struggle in my past has shaped me into the person I am today. And with every bad memory, there is also a happy memory that I remember. A memory that once made me smile and laugh. And when the bad times past, the memory helped me to understand myself a little bit more. Our past is just a series of lessons, not a life sentence.