Behind the facade

To even explain what is going on inside of me seems almost impossible. My thoughts are scattered, while my words are jumble. For 3 weeks, I have been stressed, but only within the last week I’ve seem to lose touch from reality. I guess 3 weeks of not being able to sleep or eat is finally catching up to me. (and no before you form a judgement it’s not by choice. At first I thought everything was okay, but the truth is I don’t know if I am or will be. After weeks of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I finally understand…. See we can try to lie to ourselves and pretend everything is okay, but the truth comes out in other areas. The lack of sleep is getting to me, even when I take my medication to sleep it still isn’t enough to give me rest. I lay down to sleep and as soon as I shut my eyes I am stuck in a nightmare. A nightmare that I am not able to wake up from. The sad part is that I am asleep but still conscious. I can hear myself whimpering and crying, but even when I tell myself to open my eyes I am stuck. Stuck in flashbacks, stuck in my dreams. I lay there shaking and crying, but I can’t stop it. I have no control over my body, and I begin to hallucinate. I feel a sense of fear, but the more I fight the quicker I sink and get lost in the dream. As for eating, I just thought I lost might appetite. I was eating once a day but my body wasn’t telling me I’m hungry. So, I just didn’t eat…. Not for the purpose of starving myself or to sabotage myself. I am simply not hungry and when I do eat…. Well it goes right through me…. I’ve been fighting small fevers and honestly I have no words to describe what else my body is going through…. All I Know is it is getting worse and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel as if I’m going crazy.\ My heart starts pounding and my emotions take over. Something just feels wrong, but I don’t know what it is. All I know is something isn’t okay. I literally am spending most of my time crying and feeling like I am going to faint. I go to work I cry, I drive I cry, I sleep I cry and I just can’t stop it. When people asking me, what is wrong all I can tell them is I don’t know. I don’t know what is going on with me, but I don’t like it. I have no energy to talk to people or even be around someone. The slightest of noise sends me in an anxiety attack to the point I hid under my bed with head phones on so I can’t hear any sound. I just want to yell and scream. I feel like being violent, but for no apparent reason. Last night, I walked to the kitchen and was so overwhelmed by the noise that my body was trembling. I couldn’t stop shaking and I just broke down crying. As my roommate held me, I whispered through my tears help me, I want it to stop. I want to feel okay. I’ve never felt this much fear inside me and today I finally realized why. In Thailand, I got bit by a monkey. I had to go to the hospital and visit the doctor multiple times to get shots. I came home and the next day I was getting my blood drawn and visiting the hospital. It’s been almost three weeks and I still haven’t get my results. I just want to know if I am okay and will live. I told very few people about what happened and how I am scared I will die from rabies. It seems people don’t take it serious, because I don’t know for sure. I’ve hardly had one moment of peace since I found out I could have rabies. It’s probably one of the scariest things I have been through because I don’t want to die. It’s not a choice I made like when I tried to commit suicide. I don’t can make this choice for myself. and that terrifies me. After weeks of my mental and physical health depleting I finally understand where my stress is coming from, but I have no one to talk too. The very few ppl I told between my family, friends, and roommates rather get caught up in an argument. I don’t understand how people don’t realize how real this is and how much it is affecting me. It’s killing me without even knowing if I have the disease. The stress and burden living with not knowing what it going to happen. It’s breaking and destroying me in every way. Memories lost to dissociation can be of moments or cover long time spans, and can be both good and bad. Here's one way to regain memories lost to dissociation. I don’t want to spend my time fighting over a parking spot, birthday dinner, or a misunderstanding in a text message. because the truth is if I do have this disease, none of that stuff is going to matter if I am lying in a hospital bed dying. What matters is feeling the love and support from my friends and family. What is going to matter is that I will be leaving the people I love and care about and I am not ready to leave. I know people may think I am acting like a victim, but the way this is affecting me is not a choice. I much rather feel okay and enjoy every moment until it’s my last. Because if this is meant to be there is no changing it, but I pray it’s not. I still have so much I want to do. I want a family, a son or daughter, a husband. I wasn’t to give my love to my child and watch them grow as an individual. I want to be someone’s wife, mother, and best friend. And to think I may not experience that devastates me because to me having connections with people is the most important thing. It’s the only thing that will allow me to leave this world in peace. Money and experience is great, but it doesn’t give you the same warmth as connections with others do. I want to impact people’s life in a positive way, so when my time comes I have people who are there for me to show me love and support. Instead of people who think I am a negative influence in their life, and need to change because I am the problem. I don’t want to leave people with those thoughts. I wasn’t people in my life that can trust me when they are going through a hard time, so I could be there for them. Otherwise, what is the point of having that friendship or relationship. And it saddens me because I know I am not that person. I know I have left people with a bitter taste in their mouth and I truly never wanted that. So, because of this I am choosing to disappear from the world and deal with this on my own. I deleted my social media and turned off my phone. I don’t know how long this will last, but as of now this is my goodbye to the world. Hopefully as I try to heal from this journey, I will become a stronger and better person, who is living everyday like my last.

Things I wish people understood about Depression

I feel this weight upon my chest and an anchor chaining me to my bed. I’m fighting to get up. I’m kicking, screaming, tossing and turning. Yet the chain tightens and pulls me back to my bed. I can’t breathe, it’s too tight. My soul is drifting away…

I’m losing the battle, it’s too strong to overcome. The darkness has taken over my soul. The fog rolls in blinding my vision. I can’t see…

I place one foot on the ground then the other, unable to see I stumble into the kitchen. I’m shivering, but I know I need to eat. So, I grab food and crawl back to bed. I’m simply already exhausted from the walk… I wrap myself in layers of blankets hoping to feel the warmth. But the cold is coming from within… Laying there lifeless I stare out into the fog and listen to the cries of my stomach. The cries get louder and stronger, but I’m too weak to eat. Feed me, it cries, i’m hungry. Don’t punish me for your pain.

Soon a burning sensation feels my gut, it hurts. I try to reach for my food, but nothing moves. The world starts to spin and I feel sick. Finally, I force myself to eat, while trying to hold down the acid coming up.

Tears fill my eyes, because in reality I know it’s not that hard. To get up, to eat, yet I am chained down to my bed. Laying there staring into the fog (which turns out to be a wall, but all I see is fog). Hours go by and I’m still staring into the fog. Not feeling or hearing anything around me.

Where have I gone? I think I am lost. See, don’t you understand that this is not a choice? It’s not pretend, it is a trap. It’s my mind holding me hostage. Can’t you see I want to change? Can’t you hear my weeping?


2 a.m drunken cries

I know you don’t understand, but please don’t leave me during this time. It’s not me, its my disorder. I’m not crazy, my fear is so intense it takes hold of me and I don’t know how to regain control. Please just stay with me until I feel better. Don’t give me a reason to stay locked away. Show me what it’s like to hope. Pour your love upon me, because I can’t feel love. I’m scared and my fear consumes me. I am scared of being abandon. I’m scared of being unloveable, but even when people surround me I can’t feel their love for me. I want to feel loved more than anything, sadly I can’t feel my only dream. I can’t understand how someone could love me and I don’t see why someone would stay as a friend to me. I don’t feel connected to anyone… As much as I want to feel that bond with another person. It’s just not there… It’s like a big whole living inside my heart.

I am fine one minute but as stressful situations happen, my emotions go chaotic, my knees become weak, I can’t breathe. I begin to shake and emotionally I react. I’ll cry, shout, and turn into someone completely different. It’s as if my mind turns off and I turn into my six-year-old scared self. I will yell, scream, cry, and do irrational things, such as calling someone 50 times. My body and emotions react, even before I have a chance to process things. And the worst part logically I am still conscious. I will question myself asking what is going on this isn’t that big of a deal. Or tell myself to stop, but it’s like something takes over that I can’t turn off. My emotions take over and I can’t control myself any longer. The hardest part is that my greatest fear of being left happens often because of my disorder. I’ve been told that my disorder causes me to be a difficult person and it makes it hard for people to love or be around me. My energy is either way too high or low. There is no middle for me, and I don’t know how to change that. I’ve been told that my emotions make me unlikable and unbearable.

I fight for people to stay in my life, but most of the time they can’t see past my emotions/disorder. It happens so much sometimes it’s hard not to view myself in the same way. It’s hard not to want to punish myself for being a burden to other people.

How am I suppose to explain this to you, when I barely understand it myself? How do I control something when I lose all control?

Please hold me tight and don’t let me go. I know it doesn’t make sense, but i’m not myself in those moments. I am my fear and my inner child is lost and terrified. She needs a home to run too. Somewhere to feel safe and loved. I don’t want to lose this battle. I don’t want depression to send me to the grave, but I feel so unsafe when I’m not on my bed.

These are some of the things I deal with because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD impacts the way you think and feel about yourself, resulting in problems functioning in everyday life.

I often feel empty and lonely that causes me to cling to people close to me. Some days I feel hopeless, while other days my hope is restored. My emotions can shift suddenly, and I experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety. I’m constantly afraid that the people I love will leave me. So, I tend to lash out when I feel insecure and paranoid in my relationships so they don’t abandon me. I also question their motives and if they really like me, because I can’t believe that someone sees me more than a mistake. I often feel unwanted and unworthy. This has caused me to have unstable relationships and be labeled as difficult to love.

My sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes I feel okay about myself and even start to like who I am becoming, while other times I disgust myself and I can’t even stand to look in the mirror. I start seeing myself as worthless, a burden, who is unlovable. That’s when I grab my razor blade or take pills because my emotions are so extreme that I can’t breathe.

I have a hard time remembering things. I can’t remember 90 percent of my childhood, and the stuff I do remember it doesn’t even feel real anymore. Sometimes I forget weeks and weeks in my life. I can have the same conversation over and over again without remembering because I dissociate so much to cope with my pain.

80 percent of individuals who suffer from bpd have self- harmed and attempted suicide, 10 percent of those diagnosed with bpd commit suicide. “People who have BPD are more likely to commit suicide than individuals with any other psychiatric disorders. Around 10 percent of people with BPD complete suicide, which is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population” (https://www.verywellmind.com/suicidality-in-borderline-personality-disorder-425485). Therapist hate treating bpd because there is no easy cure. It’s a lifetime process and it’s one of the most difficult disorders to treat.

I hate admitting that I suffer from Borderline Personality disorder, but it’s a huge part of my life. It affects me almost daily and sometimes feels like it controls me. Bpd follows has caused me to suffer from other mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and ptsd.

I often wonder if I will find someone who can love me. I also question if I will ever be able to have stable relationships or emotions. I don’t want to feel these things anymore and I am learning how to cope in healthy ways.

Sometimes my disorder takes over, but I will always find my way back. Each and every day I have the opportunity to conquer my triggers and my disorder. I may fail or have setbacks, but I am still living and so far I am not part of the statistics. Sometimes my bpd feels like a death sentence that ruins my life. But it’s not, it’s a journey. I get to experience every high and very low and watch how my life unfolds.

I am still me!!!

I still get excited about seeing a bunny or watching the trees change colors. I still love hard, passionate, and will fight for what I believe in. I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone, I work two jobs, graduated from college with a bachelors degree (and am looking into getting my masters), and traveled to 13 countries. I have made it this long and accomplished my goals and dreams. And I will continue fighting for the life I want and deserve!

The reason I wrote this blog post was so people can understand what it’s like living with bpd. People get to see the parts that are visible, but they don’t know what really goes on in your heart and head when you are experiencing an episode. They don’t know how bad it can be for the person actually living with the disorder. So, I want people to see through my eyes and feel and experience the words I am writing.

Message of hope

So some people who have read my blog have pointed out that what I am sharing may be too personal or negative. I don’t share my blog to discourage my readers or to gain empathy from people.

It’s not to get attention and to be honest, I could care less about that. So if you are thinking that as you read my posts then you are missing the point. I want you to allow yourself to feel every high and every low. I want you to become more in tune with your emotions and the emotions of others. I want you to imagine every detail I described as if it was yourself or a loved one experiencing the pain. It can be your sister, brother, mom, dad, daughter, son, significant other, or close friends who are dealing with these issues. If it was someone you love dealing with clinical depression, suicide, anxiety or a mental disorder, What would you do?

What about if you yourself was dealing with it? What do you think you would need?

Would you want people to brush it off and not acknowledge that part of you? Or would you want the support from the people in your life?

I want you to view life from a different set of eyes. A perspective that you are not used to and might make you uncomfortable. The eyes of someone who is suffering mental because of a disorder or a traumatic experience.

Why do I want this?

Because looking from someone else’s perspective can help you learn and grow as a person. But it can also really help the people suffering from these issues. Because you are no longer expecting them to be different, but you are able to love them as they are. You are not only able to love their good side, but their bad and messy side also.

I share my story with the hope that it helps you not only develop a better understanding of what it’s like living with a mental illness but also help you have a greater appreciation for your personal journey. (we all have a different story to tell).

Lastly, I want my blog to demonstrate my strength and encourage my readers to persevere through every storm life may throw at you.

Whether it’s someone you know or you yourself who suffer from a mental illness, I believe that my blog has something to offer each and every person. No matter what type of audience I attract. You just have to be open.

So, hopefully, as you take this journey with me, you can see how my life has transformed by every battle I have overcome and be encouraged.

Let your fire burn bright

Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder almost killed me

I remember it as if it was yesterday….

Stumbling into the emergency room with my dad by my side. My body was shutting down quickly and I could no longer keep my eyes open…..

Go to sleep I heard a voice tell me. Your pain will be over soon. Just close your eyes and let things unfold.

“Don’t fall asleep!” The nurses told me. “Stay awake, if you fall asleep we don’t know if you will wake up”. I nodded off and before I knew it a long clear tube was being shoved up my nose; (Which by the way does not tickle).

Pulling it out the nurses restrained me while saying “we have to flush your system, you have to let the tube down”. So with a nurse holding each arm and a doctor placing a tube down my throat, I started to throw up. The bile dripped under my gown and down my chest. Each time I threw up, the tube was being pushed deeper and deeper into my mouth. Finally, covered in throw up and a tube down my throat, I watched my stomach particles flow through the tube. All light colors… nothing dark came up, but something dark went down (tar).

Image result for dissociation memes

The tubes turned black and the tar filled my stomach. By this time my dad had left because he was going to have surgery, so I was alone with my thoughts. Thoughts and questions that tormented my mind to the point I couldn’t sleep. “How did I get here?” “What comes next?” Why is no one here but my dad?” “Does no one care?” “Should I” “Should I tell my ex?” (Who sadly I was still infatuated with at the time and thought of one of my closes friends) LOL Boy……. was I wrong. I shouldn’t of had my phone in my hand. Why did I send that message? I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to read. “I dont care, I have too much going on in my life to deal with you. Leave me alone”. And that comment right confirmed what I already knew. The world was better without me, but unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.

Its been nine years and I still remember the words that I read on that screen. I texted very few people to let them know. No one came….. I was alone, scared, confused and my spirit was broken,

Crying and praying I drifted to sleep, secretly hoping not to wake up. But I did. I realized I may have been alone but I was given another chance…. (Which was not the plan!)

Did I want it? Another chance to hurt more? To be honest NOOOOO…. That was the last thing I wanted….. I wanted my life to end that day. That’s why I took the pills. I gave up and just wanted to be free. I wanted the chains and bondage holding me to be broken. I wanted to breathe again…

My life didn’t end that day, it began.

(Found this on a wall in seattle, it captures my humor)

But the nightmare of being in the hospital wasn’t over… I was still alone and suddenly awakened by the tar and everything leaving my system. Throw up….. Diahria… Chills…I didn’t even make it to the bathroom. Can you say Disgusting? Please just make it stop, I whispered.

I wasn’t able to process my emotions, but I woke up with a rational head, and suddenly I was okay again. My chest didn’t hurt so bad anymore… and I had finally stopped shaking. I realized I reacted to my hurt. My body was able to feel the pain before my mind even realized what was happening. It was as if my head disconnected from my body and I lost all sensations and mobility… I was terrorized by fear and I didn’t even understand why. Again, my solution was to end the way I was feeling by quickly taking pills..

When I got cleaned up, I spoke to a psychiatrist to see if they were going to admit me, but I realized I didn’t want to die. (Reminder my emotional episode was over and I was calm again.) I was conscious and all I could talk about was God’s love and how beautiful life was to the psychiatrist in front of me. Weird right……

I didn’t take those pills to die, but to silence the pain I felt inside. The pain was so excruciating I couldn’t deal with it for another second. I was so desperate to make it stop that I didn’t even comprehend what it almost costed. I didn’t want to die… I wanted to be saved, saved from the pain. Free. Happy…

I just sat there and watched myself as if I was playing a scene in a movie. I became disconnected from my reality. So….. the question is

How did I go from overdosing to valuing life on the same day?

It was as if all my emotions were quiet and I could see clearly again. And that’s how Borderline Personality Disorder can affect someone. I realized that my disorder was the reason why I tried to commit suicide since the age of eleven.

      

Things we learn from: The Past

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are…. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love it.” -Marianne Williamson

Have you ever been there during someone’s darkest moments? What was it like? Did you stay by their side or did you leave while they were lost in their pain?

I know it’s hard to deal with someone during their darkest moment. Sometimes it’s easier to walk out of their life. You find yourself making excuses of why you shouldn’t remain in their life. We all have done it, at one point in our lives. We all have chosen to focus on the bad memories instead of the good ones.

But why….

Why not remember the good times? At one time you guys smiled and laughed together. Crazy memories were made, and they weren’t all bad. One time it was exactly what you wanted…

Now focus on that memory. Focus on the friendship you once had, before everything turned dark. It’s there, you just have to learn to focus on the good times. It’s all about perspective.


Life will throw you curve balls. There will be times in your life where you forget who you are. Things will happen that will ultimately change your inner self. The innocence you once had may disappear, and the light within you may burn out. It is your choice to pick yourself up and start over again.

I have had hardships, betrayals, made mistakes and experience loss. But through it all, I am grateful for my experiences. Learning to forgive, love, and most importantly accepting myself. I’m no longer constantly worried about how people view me, but I’m worried about how I view myself and becoming a better person. Who walks in love and forgiveness.

Sometimes we bleed on ppl who didn’t cut us because we haven’t healed from what hurt us. We blame others for our hurts. When in reality the choices we made were what caused our hurts. And sometimes by the time we see this, it’s already too late. We lost them forever. And nothing you do will ever change their mind. They define you by your darkest moment, and will never see otherwise. Again, it’s all about perspective….

No one forced me to act a certain way. It was no one’s fault, but my own. Knowing this fills me with so much hope. Yes, I lost people in my life that meant the world to me. But I realized that I don’t have to define myself through someone else’s eyes. I have the choice to not suffer. I can heal, allowing myself to mess up and feel pain with no judgment.

Perspective is key……

If I can forgive someone else for hurting me, Why can I not forgive myself? Or vise versa… If I can forgive myself for all the dumb mistakes I have made and for hurting the people I love. Then shouldn’t I be merciful and extend forgiveness to those who have hurt me? Shouldn’t I walk in compassion and understand that we all deserve to be loved in our dark moments. We all deserve to be remembered as our true self and not just who we are when we are hurting. We all hurt and we all have insecurities. We all make mistakes, so why not just forgive instead of holding resentment for each other in our hearts?

Again it is all about your perspective….

Even though I have scars from the past, I am thankful for the lessons I learned. Because every struggle in my past has shaped me into the person I am today. And with every bad memory, there is also a happy memory that I remember. A memory that once made me smile and laugh. And when the bad times past, the memory helped me to understand myself a little bit more. Our past is just a series of lessons, not a life sentence.

What do you choose?

Is sex all you see, when you look at me?

So, it’s time to share something that I wrote that is very personal. It is very explicit and dark. It references to self-harm, which I struggled with for many years. But I find in these moments my writing is taken to a new level. A deeper level with many metaphors intwined to remind me that life isn’t always black or white.

Empty, hallow, and used.

I just need to feel that blade against my skin. That’s the secret hidden within. I see the blood drip from my skin and roll to the floor. SPLASH.

All I feel as it drips is a sense of peace within. The release of pain drips away and dissipates. I can’t live this way, I know…. But what is there to change for? I’m destruction looking to be loved, but I got cursed with this hole……. And that’s all that he sees.

Not someone to love, not a home, but a hole that’s incapable of love. A hole that brings down a happy home….

Let this pain bleed out of me. Let my spirit not awake, because I was foolish to think I was anything other than your mistake. Another heartbreak, but it’s not the same. These past years are gone and we are still in the same place.

How can you not see the secret that lies beneath my skin? Open me up, dissect me. See if everything is perfect deep within All the lies and destruction you suspect. I accept because my love you reject. My heart and soul you neglect and the same routine you expect. If I open up you will run…

To be loved is my greatest wish, a wish you didn’t want to accept. You never wanted that future, can I blame you? Hell, I want to kill this girl too.

As I read what I wrote, I don’t recognize this girl. It feels as if I am reading a strangers poetry. It doesn’t sound like me. But the truth is I’m a different person when I am in my emotions. (Not literally, I don’t have a split personality). I feel things strongly and I drown in my emotions. But I hear the hurt within the words and I see a girl who is desperate to be loved. But no matter how lost I get, I always find my way back home. I just got to be patient with my self through the storm.