It’s been awhile since I have written……
I don’t know what happened, I guess I got lost in daily life.
The older I get the more I realize that life takes unexpected turns and
never turns out how you planned.
As a little girl, I pictured a life for myself that I so badly wanted. It
included being married, having children, and a career before 25. I guess you
can say that I was chasing the American dream (the house with the white picket
I’ve always been a dreamer. Dreaming of the life I wish I had and wanted.
Dreaming how the future would unravel so perfectly. Dreaming of love in the
toxic relationship I was in. I spent more time dreaming than living in reality.
Honestly, how could I not? I could live my dream life and avoid reality daily.
But there comes a day where you are forced to wake up and deal with the hand
life has given you. Which, isn’t a bad thing because it allows you to fight for
the life you have always dreamed over.
Well, Life had a different path for me. Instead, I settled for being a man’s
side girl and putting his needs before mine. I didn’t graduate from a
university until I was 27, and well, I still have no children or Idea what I
want to do for a career. I’m still finding my way. Life taught me the only
thing greater than your dreams, is the love you have for yourself. It’s not
about what you accomplish or the life your living, but about loving yourself.
And guess what, Life will force you to love yourself. It will constantly
throw you in situations that will feel unsatisfying and empty, until you learn
to choose yourself.
It took me pretty much my whole life to figure this out. I’ve been in so
many painful situations that I never imagined I would be. in Sadly, most of
them had to do with guys… Let’s take a step back to my first love. and the
secrets I held.
My first lesson I was supposed to learn was by my first relationship. When I
first met this guy, I was already broken. I was dressing in a lot of black and
cutting myself regularly. At that time, I had extremely low self-esteem. I saw
myself as a screw up who was a burdened to everyone in my life. For this
reason, I felt an extreme amount of guilt and shame. I believed I deserved to
be punished for being difficult, so that’s what I did, punished myself by the
blade. It seemed to give me a sense of relief and peace. Obviously, now, I
probably shouldn’t have pursued a relationship because I only wanted one for
all the wrong reasons. I wanted someone to love me, so I could feel okay with
I met this guy that I lived by. He liked me so much and made me feel
amazing. We quickly, became best friends and were always with each other. I
told him everything about myself, and he still liked me. For the first time, I
felt loved and accepted. I quickly got hooked on the feeling of being loved,
unfortunately, that isn’t a good enough reason to get into a relationship. I
was too young to understand that. We started dating, and things between us
rapidly changed. Even though he was two years younger than me, I began to put
him on a petal-stool, and worship him. He made me feel like I was worthy of
love and I was willing to do anything to keep that feeling. (I think he knew that)
Things quickly changed and became toxic…….
But before I tell you this story, just remember I was young and desperate
for love. I’ve held on to this secret for years. because I was too embarrassed
to share the truth….
He started showing less and less interest in me and started messing around
with other girls and lying to me. He lied to me until I doubted the world I
lived in. I look back and am so angry with how gullible I was. I believed every
lie he told me like that he had magical powers and I was from planet zero
(which turns out is from the fantastic four). He would switch back and forth
between personalities, there was #1, #2, #3, Jason, bubbles, and my “real
dad” (not a red flag at all, right?). Of course, being as naive as I was,
my dumbass believed everything and ignored all the signs telling me to run.
There might as well been a sign above his head that said run, B**** run, but
let’s be honest I probably would have still fell for his lies.
So, let me just tell you about all the different personalities I experienced
while dating him….
I may have the numbers messed up for each personality, because it was over
ten years ago. So, Eddie #1 (not his real name) was the older more mature one.
There were generally no problems with this personality. Now Eddie #2 was the
problematic personality… He was the evil one who wanted to make me miserable
“apparently”. We would be kissing and number two would take over and
push me off while saying, “get the f…. off me. What the hell are you
doing”? When I tried to reply, he would quickly cut me off and say
“your F….. disgusting and break up with me”. This would happen
religiously…. Then number three (apparently, the real Eddie) would take over
and act like nothing happened. Just tell me how much he loves me. The other
three were different people and all had different personalities (doesn’t sound
crazy at all, right).
So, you could imagine the roller coaster ride I was going through. The
switches of personalities would happen within seconds, minutes, hours, all in
the same day. It’s okay if you are thinking How could you believe such a crazy
thing? I understand…. The situation was crazy and instead of running from the
madness, I ran right to the source of insanity. And guess what? That’s not even
the worse part of our relationship (It’s only the beginning).
One day we were at a park, and he told me he could hear one of the eddies
screaming. The real one, “I will snap his neck if you won’t have sex with
me” he said as he was screaming. I slapped him and he took off running….
I chased him crying and the next thing I knew we were in the boy’s bathroom. I
was on my knees and his penis was out. He forced my head towards it and said
“he would kill himself if I didn’t do it”. So, I did as I was crying,
gagging, and choking. He got turned off and pushed me away. Telling me the only
way was to have sex with him, since I was so disgusting because I almost threw
up. I cried harder and fell to my knees. I begged him saying please I’ve never
had sex…. I begged and pleaded. Finally, he took me to the tennis court and
started kissing me. “Take out your tampon” He said. I listened
because I didn’t want him to hurt himself. While he was touching me, I felt
like I was his puppet controlled and violated. He left me on the ground of the
park still crying. A couple minutes goes by and he comes back “get the
f… up, stop crying and come with me”. I stood up wiping my tears and
walked home with him. Sounds fake, right? but it was my life at the time (not a
story that is fiction).
Well, I lost apart of myself that day (no surprise there). Something changed
in me where instead of dreaming I dissociated. Every memory after that is vague….
I remember bits and pieces, and some memories were wiped away permanently. I
just remember after that things got worse. I didn’t know the difference between
real life or my dissociations. He won complete control over me. If he told me
to sit (I would), or stop talking to this person (I would). I forgave him and
locked this memory deep in my mind. I didn’t tell anyone to months later.
When he broke up with me because I would ruin his reputation. I told one of
my bff and she didn’t believe me and probably thought I was a lunatic (which I
guess was true). She said that he did that to you, but never did anything wrong
to me. After we broke up I was heartbroken. I didn’t know how to make decisions
for myself anymore. He placed himself in the middle of my friends, replacing
me. Everywhere I turned, there he was. At school, with my friends, and in the apartments,
I lived. I couldn’t get away from him, nor did I want to (he had me hooked). I
was addicted to the love and the affection he first showed me. I wanted to feel
his love again…. Why the hell would you want that, you may wonder. When
things were good between us, it felt like a movie. I was being spoiled and
adored daily (he never did let a day go by without telling me how much he loved
me). However, when things were bad it was ugly. (I guess like a movie you should
have conflict to make it interesting. Our relationship was definitely different
and interesting). The high, I got from the good overpowered the bad. I mean I
was engaged to this guy…. I planned my life with him, I would go to a two-year
school and wait for him to graduate, so we can apply to a four-year school,
move in together, and start having children. Thank goodness that didn’t happen,
I would be crazier then I already am!!!!
Back to the story, he showed less and less interest in me, so I fought
harder for his love. The harder I fought, the more I pushed him away. He would
date and come back to me telling me “I love you, I miss you, I will break
up with them for you”. I don’t know how many times I fell for this lie,
countless times. Soon, he stopped kissing me (he only kissed people when he had
feelings for them) when we had sex and each time I had a flash back to that
day. He would leave me in tears and tell him to leave him alone for good. That
he didn’t want to be my friend….
I felt I was built up to be ripped apart, shredded, degraded, and the worst
part is I allowed it. Weekly, I would beg him to be my friend and forgive me.
“I still love you, and I’m sorry. Please forgive me… I miss you and want
my friend back”. Where we would be intimate and he would leave like
before. I would shred the blankets from my bed tossing them in the wash. Then
showering scrubbing each inch of my body until it was sore, trying to wipe away
the feeling of him being on me. I never could, those nights I didn’t sleep much….
I would just replay it over in my mind. Screaming inside my head, why am I not
good enough? Why doesn’t he love me? I completely opened myself to him. He knew
everything about me, to this day not a soul knows my past like him.
I was cutting thirteen to twenty-three times a day. I kept all this secret
and finally came clean to my parents that I was cutting. I called them the
first time I used a razor. The blade was so sharp, and just a bit of pressure
cut deeply through my skin. I saw my skin split and the skin under my surface
skin. My parents rushed home quickly. Wearing a blue sweater my step mom saw
the blood dripping from my arm to the floor. She said nothing and just cleaned
I soon learned I had a mental illness, (Surprise it’s BPD). I went to
therapy and was put on medications. Yet, I became worse and so did my cutting.
I left school, went to his parents’ house crying saying I had a miscarriage….
Hoping he would come back and be mine again. I just wanted to feel whole one
I was sent away to a mental institute, where I only agreed to be admitted if
I could call Eddie and let him know. (Apparently, He went around looking for me
at school, questioning my friends). and a school for troubled children in Utah.
I was discharged six months, but soon as I saw him I fell back to cutting and
being with him. This went on for four years after we broke up, begging him to
be my friend, having sex, and being told to leave him alone….
I never stopped loving him until I met Jr. But that’s a story for another
time…. I reached out to Eddie a couple months ago to apologize again, in
hopes he would forgive me. (SO I can forgive myself). I know I hurt him, but I
shouldn’t be begging for his friendship and approval. You would think I would
never want to see or talk to him again, but my heart is still soft towards him
and his shut me out. (Funny, how he flipped things around). Made me feel like
everything was my fault and that I didn’t deserve the love of a man.
Unfortunately, I still care, and he hates me. The guy who abused and gas
lighted me, hates me…. I never got a sincere apology and he never attempted
to repair the damage and scars he left me with. I lost some of my closest
friends, but most importantly, I lost my sanity and mind.
Too many times, women settle for a toad, a scrub, or nowadays known as a
f*** boy. I’ve seen several of my friends go through similar issues (maybe not
the magical powers or split personality part), but being devalued, used, and
taken advantage by the man they love. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls
struggle to leave there one sided (or abusive) relationship. I believe we all
go through it, at one point (being kicked when you are already down), and that’s
what strengthens us, teaching us how to love ourselves. Some women learn right
away; while others must experience it multiple times before learning to value
Unfortunately, healing is an ongoing process. It takes time to become that
strong, empowered woman who loves herself unconditionally. While my ex, now has
his own family now, (a beautiful wife and daughter) and has completely moved
on. This terror is continuous for me and not something I can just forget. It’s
a permanent scar that is working on healing. I’m okay with that though, because
through the madness, I allowed myself to learn and grow as a person.
This post wasn’t made with malicious intent. I wrote it because it’s part of
my story and journey that I want to share with others. It put me in some of my
darkest moments, but strengthened me. It sharpened the warrior within me. I
don’t regret our relationship, but I regret not putting “Me” first
and allowing a man and my fears to control me.
There is no longer bitterness or hurt in my heart towards him. I wish him a
life filled of happiness, and I hope he learned by our relationship (fingers
crossed). I hope he learns compassion, empathy, and how to love someone
unconditionally. I hope he takes responsibility for his actions and uses it to
be a better man. I finally understand, I wasn’t the problem and I shouldn’t
blame myself for the hatred in his heart towards me. I didn’t deserve to be
treated that way And I understand I was a victim of his lies and manipulation.
Lastly, I hope he learned how to forgive himself and the people who have hurt him
(so he can live free of baggage).
I believe this was the first lesson life tried to teach me about loving
myself. I wasn’t supposed to keep picking him… I was supposed to pick myself.
Stand up for myself and not allow someone to define my self-worth. Unfortunately,
I had to go through another toxic relationship for seven years to learn this