Because you didn’t want to lose him, you lost yourself. By settling for being mistreated and undervalued, you became the girl whose world was strictly based on lies. You formed a habit of accepting the blame and saying “It’s my fault”. You became the girl who justified feeling unappreciated and undervalued. You learned to say “It’s Okay, I’m fine” to hide the pain and confusion in your eyes. You settled for not being a priority and told yourself you needed to change. Believing if you try hard enough he will magically come to his senses and treat you right.
I know how I can earn his love. Maybe, If I could just be more understanding and accepting, maybe he will treat me right. Maybe, if I cater to him after he had a long day at work he will continue wanting me. Maybe, I can be more appreciative for the little he does do for me, he will do more. Maybe, if I dress up for him or work out, he will only desire me. I can learn to be better in bed and have sex with him more, so I am all he needs.
You became the girl who constantly said I can show him I am worth loving. You became the girl who kept being taken for granted and you dealt with it by repeating “everything’s ok”. You became the girl who learned not to question his lies, so you don’t make him upset. You became the girl who kept being unhappy, but told everyone “I’m fine”.
The truth is I know it’s a lie, when you whisper I’m fine. I know the glimmer of hope you had in your eyes is dying. I know your soul is aching and your heart is shattering. I know you’re sitting up late at night lost in your thoughts. Wondering, why you aren’t enough. Wondering, if this is your karma from a past mistake. I know, you probably blame yourself and believe you deserve to be mistreated. I know, the more you try to prove you’re worth his love, the more he pushed away. The more he pushes away the harder you break, and the harder you break, the more you lose your way.
I understand, you believed things could change, so you clung on to hope. But I also understand you’re living your life for him and not yourself. I understand, how miserable you can become.
How do I know this?
I know this because I was this girl. Because I didn’t want to lose him, I lost myself in the process of loving him. I became a girl who settled for being mistreated. A girl who kept saying it’s okay, even though I knew it wasn’t. I hung on to the fantasy that one day he will change. I justified feeling unworthy of his love by making excuses for his actions. I allowed him to take advantage of my heart and body. I dropped everything when he called and wanted to see me. Even if that meant driving 18 hours to see him for a couple of hours, I did it. Or calling in sick for work or missing school I would do it. Nothing was more important than pleasing him. I enjoyed sacrificing my time for him, even if it wasn’t appreciated. I thought if he saw all I did for him, he would cherish me more. But sadly, thats not how our relationship worked.
I fought, so hard for him that it almost killed me. I blamed myself for who he was and the actions he chose. I chose him over myself, while he constantly would choose different women over me. Believing that I was the only one, when in reality I was just one of many. The situation was toxic, and I was aware, but he was all that mattered to me. Loving him poisoned my mind and destroyed my self-worth, but I didn’t want to end the relationship, all I wanted was his love. I was stripped of my identity, and I didn’t care.
But you want to know what I learned this year?
I learned how to put myself first instead of him. I learned that no matter what I do or how hard I try I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. I can’t change someone who is committed to mistreating and using me. I realized instead of questioning myself and my reality, that he was the one in the wrong. I was just a girl responding to the constant lies and abuse. But I learned I had the power to change my life and love myself. I wasn’t in love anymore, I was just fixated on what we had in the past. My love for him wasn’t enough to hold on anymore. I lost myself trying to prove i’m worth loving. I became someone I didn’t recognize. I gave someone else the power over me, someone who used the power to control me.
Was it worth it? It wasn’t enough to justify the years or tears I wasted holding on. Holding on to a ghost of someone who doesn’t exist anymore. It’s life, people change and relationships die. Letting go is probably the hardest lesson the world pushes us to learn. We will continue to go through immense amount of pain, until we learn to let go. Until we learn our happiness isn’t worth jeopardizing and our value isn’t worth compromising.
I know I am not the only one, who has experienced this. I’ve watched many of my friends lose themselves loving someone who mistreated them. I’ve held them while they have cried, and listen to them constantly question their worth. I’ve watched and felt the emotional roller coaster they were going through. I learned there wasn’t anything I could say to make the pain go away and have them walk away. I understand how hard it is, and I understand that you have to decide for yourself to walk away. You have to get to the point where you feel as if you have had enough. It took me almost a decade to learn that no one is worth your love or attention if they mistreat you. No guy is worth losing yourself for, and no guy is worth suffering for.
There is a saying “old ways won’t open new doors” and it’s true. Trust me, I banged on that door for years and lost myself. So, I say become selfish with your time and energy. Focus on the desires and dreams that lay within your heart. Don’t waste your time trying to teach a man how to treat you. Free yourself from the cage your relationship has you in and live the life you always wanted. Become the woman you desire to be and love yourself. Because we all know, when we were little girls we never dreamed of being mistreated in a relationship. We dreamed of a happily ever after love story. So, goodbye to who we were in 2019 and cheers to 2020 of self love. Let’s go find our fairy tale ending.